WARNING THIS INTERVIEW CONTAINS A STRONG BARNSLEY ACCENT WHICH SOME MAY FIND DIFFICULT TO READ.

JOE: "For those who live further than 'thutty futty mile darn t'ruad' and who have'nt heard of you or your music, could you tell us a little bit about yourself?"

ARTEX: "Ar were born in a terrace house in Royston, darn Midland Ruad end if tha knows it. Royston's an old pit village just north of Barnsley, abart a mile from where they filmed t'footie scene in Kes (as tha sin that video by Harrisons, they re-enact that scene, it's reight funny). A went t'local comp an then ar settled inter a life er dullness and debauchery. Well not really, but ar did once av sum library books that were a month ovver t'return date - ar dun't know if that fits the dullness category or t'debauchery one, mebbi a bit er both."

JOE: "Did you know that there's a tribute band of yours going around calling themselves the 'arctic monkeys'? How do you rate them?"

ARTEX: "Ar, it were nice er Arctic Monkeys lads t'form a tribute act. Ar think Arctic Monkeys ar best band av seen in t'last 20 years, best band art er High Green any ruad. Ar reckon High Green's closer to Barnsley than Sheffield. So (after missen like) they cud well bi biggest band t'come art er tarn, bigger en Saxon even. I av a vinyl copy of Arctic Monkey's Five Minutes With EP, an on CD, but am gunna keep em missen, not gunna let sum eBay shark gerrolda it."

JOE: "When can your fans get their hands on a copy of your album, "Whatever people say I'm not that what I am.'?"

ARTEX: "Am rekewerdin mi album reight nar in mi bathroom, av found that council house bathrooms av best acoustics. i want it t'sarnd raw n alive like them early 60s albums. av managed raw bit so far. i reckon al av mi album available t'masses sooin, just gorra few mewer numbers t'get darn an bob's thi uncle. At moment it's just gunna bi available on mi website, nowt special. Am still waitin on t'call from all major record labels, but thev not bin in touch funnily enough. Tha carn't work sum folks art can tha?"

JOE: "Are there any plans for a tour? World-wide or otherwise. Are you planning to break america?"

ARTEX: "Av ad a few kindly offers for gigs from the likes of Burn Down The Disco neet in tarn, an a gig at The Grapes in Sheff. Am gunna sewert somet art sooin. Ar think ad gu darn well in t'big city lights er London an all. If ar dun't get lost on t'undergrarnd on mi way t'gig. am thinkin abart gerrin mi band together an doin a few gigs. ar reckon folks ar ready for mi nar. av paid mi dues."

JOE: "Your lyrics are very deep and clearly well thought out, are they simply inspired by life in Barnsley? Or do you take inspiration from another source?"

ARTEX: "Ar a spend a lot er time on em, glad tha's picked up on that. Durin mi mis-spent youth a picked up a reight cheap guitar. av bin doin mi songs nar for abart fifteen years. they're songs abart wheear a live an local news. av gorr undreds errem under mi bed."

JOE: "Recently you were featured in The Sun, has this national fame changed you?"

ARTEX: "Ar it's gone reight t'mi ed nar an't it? The'll bi snappin photos er mi fallin art er Soho neetclubs. An al ger all adicted t'drugs, an start burglin sheds, an tryin t'leg it from taxi wi art payin after a friday neet in tarn. As a said, it won't change mi. It's all darn hill nar, darn Dove Hill for a start."

JOE: "As part of the growing music scene in South Yorkshire are there any other new bands from the region that you rate? Which bands get you on the dancefloor?"

ARTEX: "There er loads a bands nar from rarnd ere arn't ther. All coming art er woodwork. Tha's got all them theer Sheff bands like Harrisons, The Golden Age, Bromheads Jacket, Milburn, Reverend And The Makers, Little Man Tate an rest er em. Then tha's got sum bands from rarnd ere like The Dirty Pins, The Baddies, The Palms. The Dirty Pins er giggin rarnd London an they sarnd a bit like Buzzcocks an them sewert er bands."

JOE: "On his first hearing of you, a mate's first reaction was: "He's gotta be pissed". Was any alcohol consumed in the making of this music?"

ARTEX: "Ar carn't remember, so it's mewer than likely in't it... ar reckon ar got reight into mood. Does tha remember Kestral? Av not ad any er that for years. Ar think Kwik Save ad a special offer that neet. Am allus checkin supermarket's art for t'two for one offers. Ar dun't miss owt me. Tha's gorra keep on t'ball an't tha?"

JOE: "Do you support Barnsley, and if so do you think they'll go up this year?"

ARTEX: "Barnsley FC ...weear did it all gu wrong? Theear wi wor at t'top er Premiership (we were weren't wi?) an it were just like watchin Brazil. Wi cudda bin playin in Europe nar if the'd a lukked after things better. Barnd t'goo up this year an't ther? Wi dun't wanna bi playin Donny Rovers agen, cos wi keep looisin to em."

JOE: "Describe yourself in five words."

ARTEX: "(a) Barnsley. Poet. Pushbike. Knitwear. Linoleum. (b) a song and dance man. av got it all covered."

JOE: "What's your poison?"

ARTEX: "It depends wheear I am an what special offer is gooin. If am rarnd tarn then probly John Smiths Smooth, especialy if it's gooin cheap in t'afternooin in Brarnses."

JOE: "What was the last C.D/Lp that you bought?"

ARTEX: "A bought two at same time Jilted John's True Love Stories and Graham Fellows Love At The Hacienda."

JOE: "What can you say to sell your music to the mainstream? Why is your music so brilliant?"

ARTEX: "Ar like some of these quotes av found that people av used t'discribe mi music...

1. 'Quite possibly the worst excuse for music I’ve EVER heard. But then who cares bout that - hey I love it don't I'

2. 'God that is shit pushed through a speaker!'

3. 'Artex Monkey - One word - Shite'

Ar think sum er them 'bad' reviews ar really funny. A carn't fail canna?"