TOBY: "Artex Monkey are going to be in the studio ladies and gentlemen, live and indeed livid."

TOBY: "I’ve got some of their stuff here."

PRODUCER: "Oh what exclusive plays from the new album?"

TOBY: "Exclusive plays from the new album. This is ‘Royston’… just listen to this here, beautiful. Artex Monkey ladies and gentlemen."

[Radio Play: Tha Probably Cun't See Wi Art Thi Glasses But A Wer Standin Reight In Front Er Thi (28 seconds).]

TOBY: "I think that’s great."

PRODUCER: "It’s beautiful that."

TOBY: "He’s going to be in the studio, we’re going to be talking to the monkey live on air after quarter to ten playing tracks from the new album."

[Break]

TOBY: "It’s The Toby Foster Show on BBC Radio Sheffield and I’m joined in the studio by Artex Monkey. Good morning Artex."

ARTEX: "Ayup ar tha gooin on?"

TOBY: "Am alright how are you?"

ARTEX: "Am a bit tired actually, cos av come from Royston an it’s a bit tricky getting ere."

TOBY: "This is very early for a musician in’t it?"

ARTEX: "Yeah very early for me cos I ad a bit of a late one y’know."

TOBY: "Whereabouts were y’last night?"

ARTEX: "A wer just at our house in Royston, at mi mam an dad’s."

TOBY: "Yeah, but it was a late one was it?"

ARTEX: "Yeah well y’know, just tranna work out mi songs an that for mi gig tomorra."

TOBY: "Tonight in’t it?"

ARTEX: "Oh shit…"

TOBY: "Oh sugar."

ARTEX: "Oh sugar yeah it’s tonight."

TOBY: "It’s tonight."

ARTEX: "The premier gig yeah."

TOBY: "The first time you’ve ever played live Artex Monkey and we’ve got some of your songs in our system here."

ARTEX: "Oh alright."

TOBY: "We’re just going to play a few snippets. First of all this is ‘A Bet Tha Luks Gud On A Pushbike’."

[Radio Play: A Bet Tha Luks Gud On A Pushbike (35 seconds).]

TOBY: "A mean it’s all good stuff this isn’t it? Obviously yer take yer inspiration from the Arctic Monkeys to a degree or have they taken it from you?"

ARTEX: "Well, they are… it’s a bit er a, that’s a debate that’s gooin on at the minute cos a wer playin, av bin playin fer years in Barnsley bus station, but a dun’t know whether y’know abart what’s appenin theear at t’minute, but…"

TOBY: "Av seen it yeah."

ARTEX: "Thev dropped a bomb on it or summat an er a got moved art really. A mean a cudda bin singin artside FADs."

TOBY: "Yeah."

ARTEX: "But it’s all boowerded up an that an it’s just not reight gud any mooer. So av ad t’move art. But a wer playin theear fer years an a reckon that’s when thev bin comin past y’know that Alex an that t’college an that, thev picked up a few tips. Cos a did notice a few lads angin ararnd an that when ar wer dooin mi songs an that. Am just wundrin like, a carn’t say owt y’know fer definite like, but…"

TOBY: "Cos very few people know, but they did go to Barnsley College didn’t they, but…"

ARTEX: "That’s reight yeah they did actually, so y’know it’s er, a mean it’s played a big part in their life Barnsley – like for me."

TOBY: "So talk us through your new album."

ARTEX: "It’s called erm… it’s called… let mi just avva look cos… since av, since av got er, since av, y’know cos things av tekkon off for me a bit an that and er it’s bin, pressure’s bin a lot for me and er av got er um sum kind of er post viral fatigue or summat at minute cos a just carn’t cope, cope wi it y’know an av bin gooin yeller an the doctor thinks it’s mi liver an that, but mi album is called ‘Whatever People Say I’m Not, That’s What I Am’."

TOBY: "Right okay, and how long did it take you to record?"

ARTEX: "Abart twenty minutes."

TOBY: "As long as that?"

ARTEX: "Well worra did. A din’t want t’tekk too long because a wanted t’keep it fresh an a bit real y’know because a think sumtimes people y’know they over egg stuff dun’t ther. So worra did a locked missen in mi mam’s er bathroom and er well luckily it’s just timings right cos the council are in at the minute, they’re ripping all t’wiring art an that an thev med a reight mess, but er luckily a got in theear a couple er weeks back, put mi tape rekewerder on an off a went an they just kem art off top er mi head. It was just like a was sum kind of divine intervention y’know."

TOBY: "Inspiring it certainly is. This is ‘Fake Tans Of Barnsley Disco’."

[Radio Play: Fake Tans Of Barnsley Disco (25 seconds).]

TOBY: "It’s fantastic stuff. A see yerv brought yer guitar in with yer t’day."

ARTEX: "Yeah, well…"

TOBY: "A’d appreciate it if yer din’t play it."

ARTEX: "Aha ha."

TOBY: "Erm tell us abart the gig, you must be really looking forward to it."

ARTEX: "Yeah well t’bi honest am a bit nervous. Am very nervous actually."

TOBY: "Are yer? How’s it, how’s it selling?"

ARTEX: "A dun’t, slow at the minute, but am not er too worried. A mean the thing is, this gig is it’s mi first so am not edlinin er owt like that. Am just gunna, am just gunna come on, test art mi songs, see what the people think of em y’know cos if it guz well y’know a mighnt think abart a career in, in the pop industry, but if it, if it dun’t gu well then, well a dun’t know what am gunna do really t’bi honest."

TOBY: "Is it just you or do you have a band with yer?"

ARTEX: "No, thez onni me. Av bin thinking abart tranna get that bass player from, y’know that big bloke from Arctic Monkeys?"

TOBY: "He left dinni."

ARTEX: "He left yeah cos a think er a think he just wan’t, he just din’t, din’t like it an that y’know. An a wer gunna she ter im y’know if iz istenin like, come an join my band cos we’re not , thez no stress, we’re not goin on big tours er owt like that t’America an fancy places like that… we’re just gunna keep it local, y’know, maybe Dards in Cud’th an er Ring er Bells in Royston an that. So it’s no stress. An ad get im, ad pay for iz taxis an that cos the buses around ere are absolutely atrocious. That’s one thing you want, if I can… anybody art theear that’s listenin for that Stagecoach, whatever company they are, I’ll tell you what the, what the problem is… get sum mooer buses on, y’know worra mean. A was like twenty-five minutes this morning, a nearly, a was nearly late into ere this morning cos er the buses an that."

TOBY: "That would’ve bin awful. Erm any plans for another album?"

ARTEX: "Erm t’bi honest av not thought abart it t’bi honest, but worram gunna do, I am tekkin inspiration from, from the Arctic Monkeys, so when they du summat am gunna du summat, that’s how am gunna do it y’see."

TOBY: "Well y’see, nar yer see that’s what worried mi early on because d’yer not feel their bubble might’ve burst a little bit. I mean everyone went barmy about em an then, are people that bothered about them anymore?"

ARTEX: "This is t’problem innit when yer get hyped an that, but the thing is with me what’s appenin is am just ridin on their back, av got a strategy y’know it’s not like er, y’know I am a bit tired t’day, but am ju…, when they just bang, burst like that, that’s when am gunna burst on ter the scene."

TOBY: "Right."

ARTEX: "When all, when everybody’s got fed up er them ther gunna, that’s all, it’s all fashion in’t it."

TOBY: "The’ll bi looking for you won’t they."

ARTEX: "The’ll bi lookin for summat new, summat a bit diff’rent an that, well an then the’ll find me an then the’ll get dropped an a’ll get signed an then a’ll bi able t’move t’New Cross in London."

TOBY: "It’s nice there. The erm, today it sees the last ever, no it’s this weekend sees the last ever performance of Top Of The Pops. D’yer not feel that you, you missed that now, you’re never gunna mek it ar yer, on Top Of The Pops?"

ARTEX: "It’s a bit, av bin, since av bin playin in Barnsley bus station, what, since a wer abart 18 so that’s a long time nar, an that’s always been an ambition. An a’ll tell yer what, a fantasized abart, a even knew worra wer gunna wear. Mi sister when a wer abart 12 knitted mi a v, a v-neck, a big v-neck in pale blue, an it ad a, it ad er y’know er all these letters darn side ere, an it wer wool, a wer gunna, it wer too big for mi when a wer 8, an it’s still too big for mi nar, but a was gunna wear that an mi underpants, well mi dad’s purple underpants on."

TOBY: "Yeah."

ARTEX: "Thev like got a y-front darn t’side wi all bobbles on. We used t’call em his ‘purple bombers’, a was gunna put them, this lovely blue v-neck, no shoes an socks, an a wer gunna really gi it to em."

TOBY: "It sounds like yerv bin planning that for a while. Now thev cancelled it."

ARTEX: "Well the…"

TOBY: "D’yer think that’s some kinda personal slight?"

ARTEX: "The thing is man, am still waitin for t’call. Am gerrin calls all t’time, but not much comes er em. But they promise mi things. Like at the Mercury Prize y’know they wer sayin look, they kept, they kept y’know spin-doctoring that, the prize. They just kept holdin mi back sayin yeah well we’ll tell yer next week, tell yer next week, kept ringin em up an a an’t heard owt from em."

TOBY: "Well our mate Richard’s up for that I’m afraid an a think he’s got his name on it. Also the Arctic Monkeys are up for it aren’t they?"

ARTEX: "Yeah that’s right, I mean, but er, I am a bit disappointed a din’t get t’call but a mean that’s life in’t it?"

TOBY: "Well before you go er it would bi nice if yer could play us one song. Er… this is a bit of an exclusive really, before your first ever live gig tonight."

ARTEX: "Yeah this is mi first ever live performance."

TOBY: "Your first ever live performance, do one without any swearing in obviously else we’ll get done."

ARTEX: "A’ll do a, a’ll do a nice, a nice one ere called erm ‘Scummy Van’."

TOBY: "That’s the one, ‘Scummy Van’, a did particularly like ‘Jam Sanwidge’ as well, that was a favourite one."

ARTEX: "D’yer want mi to…"

TOBY: "No, no, no ‘Scummy Van’ – that’s fine."

ARTEX: "A’ll not, a’ll try an, a won’t swear."

TOBY: "No don’t swear."

ARTEX: "Cos a know yer, a know yer, a know people in Barnsley dun’t swear."

TOBY: "Precisely."

ARTEX: "We have t’gu all round country earin em effin an blindin, y’dun’t ear a, ear a word of it in Barnsley."

TOBY: "Here we go, this is ‘Scummy Van’."

[Radio Play: Scummy Van, acoustic live in the studio (55 seconds).]

TOBY: "Artex Monkey, that’s fantastic."

ARTEX: "Thank you."

TOBY: "D’yer, d’yer spend much time tuning that?"

ARTEX: "Not a lot no."

[Cecelia by Paul Simon is cued up and the beginning is playing]

TOBY: "No I think we knew that. Er this is Cecelia which is about music obviously which we’ve just ruined, but it’s Artex Monkey live tonight at The Arches, what time?"

ARTEX: "Er… 8 o’clock."

TOBY: "8 o’clock."

[Break]

TOBY: "You’re a producer aren’t yer. I mean that’s your job in’t it, yer do this for a living?"

PRODUCER: "Mmm"

TOBY: "Artex Monkey…"

PRODUCER: "Yeah I know."

TOBY: "This is kinda stuff you would play in’t it, your play list."

PRODUCER: "Oh hi yeah."

TOBY: "And, you going to the gig tonight?"

PRODUCER: "Yeah well I’ll try and get there. We’ve got a leaving do."

TOBY: "We’re busy."

PRODUCER: "Am gunna sneak art er that."

TOBY: "We’re busy."

ARTEX: "They always are aren’t ther. That’s worrav found abart, this… this gig. Everybody a said to yer comin darn? Thev always got summat t’do like, y’know."

TOBY: "No, but we are, we are actually busy, we’ve got a leaving go."

ARTEX: "Well…"

TOBY: "We’ve got more than we though actually. We’ve got two lads who are leaving here today. So, we, y’know worra mean."

ARTEX: "Is there any jobs gooin?"

TOBY: "Funnily enough… er… ther really, really is."

ARTEX: "Cos a thought, what yer could with is someone like me on that front door when yer come in, just like meetin an greetin."

TOBY: "Was the mad bloke still there when you came in?"

ARTEX: "A thought that would, mighnt bi nice, cos it, it wer, it’s a bit cold these, these corporate kind glossy buildings."

TOBY: "We, we, we had a proper mad man there until a… he’s walking up and down telling people av bin married twice, am gunna marry…"

PRODUCER: "A think Stumpy saw him off."

ARTEX: "Yeah that was mi did yeah."

TOBY: "Well tell him thanks for coming. Er its starts at 8 o’clock tonight, it’s The Arches at Pitt Street. Erm have fun."

ARTEX: "A will, a’ll av fun, a hope, if it guz well a’ll let y’know."

TOBY: "Av got t’tell yer it’s either going to go fantasticly well and yer gunna get carried shoulder high around the venue or yer gunna get yer head kicked in."

ARTEX: "A know yeah, am, am not lookin, yeah am not lookin forward t’the latter. But, all am… am gerrin theear early, am checkin the exits. Am gunna check the building, am gunna av, a know exactly mi route of escape, dun’t you worry abart that."

[End of interview]

TOBY: "I would of course like to apologise for the er casual bad language in the er last interview and just remind everybody that the executive producer for the show is called David Markwell… all his fault."

TOBY: "I expected that when he turns up and he goes actually it’s all an act, my name’s Quentin and I’m a thespian… he’s not, he’s mad he thinks he’s Arctic Monkeys."

PRODUCER: "I had to help him switch his phone off before he came in."

TOBY: "I would imagine you had to help him with the toilet. He was unbelievable him. Artex Monkey live tonight, go and see him before they get him put away.

TOBY: "We’ve had some texts … ‘If Artex Monkey’s right in the head I know where there’s a house full of em’ says Frosty The Miller. ‘Is Artex Monkey David Markwell’s alter-ego?’, no it’s not I wish it was. ‘Toby, was he for real or was it a wind up?" from Glow. He’s for real. Nick The Blade says he thought it was very good, but he doesn’t, he put swearing in, but I’m not gunna do any of that again. And my favourite one ‘Does anybody know he’s out by himself?’"

TOBY: "Yer see a started off getting a bit annoyed abart it, y’know Artex Monkey. Cos when Arctic Monkeys came out very quickly we did a mix called the Arctic Formbys."

PRODUCER: "Oh yeah yeah."

TOBY: "Which is always quite nice, an a thought, and some other people are copying that now."

PRODUCER: "They are, I noticed that, yeah, still doing it."

TOBY: "Other people in Essex, er they’ve copied that. Anyway, er they copy everything we do. Anyway erm I thought when we did Arctic Formbys I thought wouldn’t that be good to actually do that live, do the Arctic Formbys. And then I saw Artex Monkey, I thought oh he’s got there first. But I’m quite glad cos he’s proper stone mad."

PRODUCER: "And also wearing the actual monkey face as well."

TOBY: "He does it for, he’s for real. He’ll be much better live than we would have been. We would have been awful. We would have all said great idea til we got there, oh god what are we doing here."

TOBY: "He’s quite mad. Did you hear the interview?"

GUEST: "Erm I didn’t, but I’m… do you do pod-casting y’know that thing where you can listen back?"

TOBY: "Oh, you can listen back… click on listen again and you can."

FEMALE GUEST: "Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?"

TOBY: "Sorry?"

FEMALE GUEST: "Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?"

TOBY: "He’s married with a 2 year-old child. That’s the thing that’s scared me most."

FEMALE GUEST: "Oh… gutted."

TOBY: "Because apparently in the background to his single you can actually hear is daughter screaming for her tea, and he decided not to bother re-recording it."

GUEST: "He’s got some, he had some Barnsley something T, year old T-Shirt on."

TOBY: "Barnsley versus Swansea play off champion. Oh yeah he’s died in the wool Barnsley alright."

TOBY: "Artex Monkey, he’s just texted in actually Artex Monkey’s texted in Jim. He says ‘Ayup Toby don’t forget mi website artexmonkey.co.uk you can download album tracks free an that’."

[End]

THE TOBY FOSTER SHOW. BBC RADIO SHEFFIELD
Tuesday 1st August 2006

TOBY: Toby Foster – Radio presenter
BERNIE: Bernie Clifton – guest

BERNIE: "I just wondered… I’m going to ask you a frank and fearless question now."

TOBY: "Yeah."

BERNIE: "On a scale of one to ten. Like toe to toe. How do you think I compare as a guest with Artex Monkey?"

TOBY: (Laughs) "It depends, er you are more erudite and you’re more witty and entertaining, but musicly the man was a genius."

[End]